domestic abuse

I went to the program on domestic abuse last night at Cowley, which was put on by Safe Homes. Safe Homes is a place for battered women to go.
The program was moving and makes one think.
There are many forms of abuse, and the abusive type quality seems to get passed on generation to generation.

There were several characters who told stories of abuse.

One talked about how she was surprised to find that her son was being abusive toward his girl friend. Then she recounted how her husband had been abusive to her and she realized that her son HAD been raised that way.

It is also hard to understand why people in abusive situations do not leave, and why they even cover for their abusive spouse.

The reason is that their self esteem gets so battered down that they no longer think they can function on their own. They are too scared to leave. They may also become convinced that they deserve the treatment they get, or that it is normal.

I have had a few instances at the paper where women have called trying to keep their husband's name out of the paper for domestic abuse. Some will say it didn't really happen , it was a misunderstanding, or whatever.
One said if it came out, it would look like her husband didn't love her, and she kept assuring me that he did truly love her. I felt bad over that one, the desperation in her voice, the fear even over the phone, was obvious. He probably blamed her for it, and she probably accepted the blame.
I still put their names in.

The answer of course, is to get out, to leave ... period.
But thats easier said than done. It could be like trying to leave drugs behind. If you are not addicted you wonder why they cant just lay it down. Unless you are addicted, you don't understand why they "cant." They can, but it is very difficult.

Also at the program last night, it was pointed out that men are also victims at times.
There is also a thing called "toddling" where both parties are abusive toward each other. That makes law enforcement even tougher, but some are starting to differentiate and arrest both parties when both are abusive.

The hardest thing is to get the abused person to press charges and testify in court. Fear and intimidation are hard to overcome. Abusive people also are good at finding ways to get to a person.

There is also the embarrassment which makes some unwilling to report the situation.

If you know someone in that situation, try to get them to leave, and try to be supportive.

Prayer can also help.